the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
