what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize