I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
