I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
