my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
soo... how was my night?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
