Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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