Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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