My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have feelings that need drinking.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize