i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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