she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
