Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
