I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
