nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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