I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
