You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
