he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
