M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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