The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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