I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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