i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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