I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize