If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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