If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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