How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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