Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
