Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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