my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." ๐ ๐๐ท
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Itโs a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. Thatโs a game changer.
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