dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
