you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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