so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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