Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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