I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
