we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize