Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm bleeding and have questions
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
