I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
