I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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