you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
