My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
