Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
