Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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