The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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