I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
