Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize