the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
