i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
