I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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