I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
