I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
