Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
