this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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