First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
