Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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