my phone needs a breathalizer
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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