dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
