I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
