Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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