I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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