Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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