I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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