when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
