And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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