Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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